I’ve been meaning to write this for a while actually but since today was the last exam day of this week I’ve been taking time to just think.

Not that long ago I had a hospital appointment and I sat there in the waiting room, as you do, and it really made me think about this “illness” I have. When I first became sick I didn’t really understand and I’m going to be honest the though “why me?” ran through my mind. But as I sat there I took a proper look at the people that I was surrounded by. Next to me was a 2 year old girl who had been suffering her whole life. And it really made me see just how lucky I was. I was surrounded by people who had been suffering for an endless number of years from something that was actually painful, and here I was suffering from something, none the less long term, but quite comfortably able to get about my everyday life without having to think twice about my movements. And it made me feel guilty. Because one day I will get better and one day I won’t have to worry about pills, doctors, blood tests or MRI’s. But for some people this is every day. This is something that will not go away, people who don’t have doctors that they can call 24 hours of every day and suffer without anybody there to help them. And it really made me value life for what it is. A member of my family I was extremely close to died to cancer and because in the end there were in so much agony I wasn’t allowed to visit them. And all I have are these images I’ve created in my own mind. This got me onto thinking about how much our minds taunt us.

Something I found myself struggling with was anxiety. It was once at a point where leaving the house seemed like task. It is the worst feeling of helplessness, the inability to breathe and the feeling of suffocation. Before I left the house I would have to write a list of things I had to do exactly where I was going and who I might run into while I was there. Things that were unexpected would throw me completely off guard and I found it extremely difficult to deal with it. I became a person who lived a mundane routine and when through each day following a time table. And I looked at myself in the mirror and hated me for me. I had become this person that didn’t know anyone outside of their friend circle, who couldn’t make a conversation properly and spent the whole time thinking about what people were thinking about me. And it drove me mad. I couldn’t live like that anymore. And for the first time in a long time I went out and I just felt content with whom I was.

I’m not particularly attractive, I’m not amazingly intelligent and I might not be able to win you over with my sugar coated words. But I’m me. And for the first time in a long time I could look myself in the eye and be happy with what I had and what I had achieved. Growing up I moved around a lot and I found that I was someone that didn’t attach to people. Every time I made friends I would have to pack up and move. And I just got used to this pattern. I’m not the most social person. I realize that the friends I have are the best friends any one could have. They listen to me complain about things that don’t matter and they try and calm me down when I worry about things I don’t need to worry about.

I’ve been thinking about how this is supposed to be one of the most difficult times in my life and I guess it is. I’ve been stressed out trying to keep up to these expectations people have of me. I’ve been struggling to do well and not let people down. I realized that this is one of my biggest fears, letting people who believe in me down. Being a failure. My FFT’s made me feel useless because there are some grades I wouldn’t even be able to reach if I spent the rest of my life studying because there are things that I’m not good at. I’m not perfect. And this feeling of “just not being good enough” has been following me around like clouds on a rainy day. I’ve came to the point where I’d be happy with any grades as long as I know I’ve done my best. And that is what counts in the end. I’ve tried. My best is all that I can give and it is what I will give.

I don’t live in the most exciting place on earth and I might not make the impact I want to but I’ll be content with what I have. I’m planning on being more positive and really appreciating life for what it is. Because I have ink and paper. I have the ability to write what I feel and that is all I need.

I guess this give you a bit of insight into where I get my inspiration from as a poet.
Thanks!